• It took my cousins suicide for me to realize how devastating my own would be to my son and brothers. Not saying they couldn’t get along without me but I don’t think I could stand to hurt any of them that way.
• I have to force myself out of the house most days. I go clubbing on occasion but the thought of large groups of people kind of makes me sick. Massive random panic attacks are no fun, oddly, I can deal if I’m on stage.
• There were a few people I was following on twitter out of pity. Sorry, pity ran out.
• I’m starting to think me being pregnant is bad luck. Last time around my dad killed himself, a dear friend died, my car died and shortly after we were forced to move. This time around my cousin killed himself, a friend died a couple weeks ago, several acquaintances have died, having car troubles again … fuck.
• I want to rat out all the people I know abusing programs meant for the needy or mentally ill. I know who you are and I hate you for taking up valuable resources. When I’m in need I don’t qualify for anything, you only qualify because you lie your ass off.
• I’m heavily considering dropping out of the BDSM scene. Too much fucking drama.
I needed some off time. Away from twitter and people in general with little to no exceptions. I took a few days were I made myself sparse. Big deal.
Well… I guess it is a big deal.
I’m not one to brag, though in this case it’s less bragging and more a complaint, but I’ve gotten several not so nice messages from “friends” attacking me for “ignoring” them. No dears, not ignoring. I have a life outside this plastic box. Not much of one most times but with an impending move in the next week and a half, baby girl on the way and the boy already here and even more mobile… some days I just don’t want to deal with outside squabbles and banter, even if it is friendly.
I’m still pretty upset about my cousin. It hit me harder than I thought it did. Even more so debating my next move in a reconciliation with someone I thought I’d never forgive.
There’s a LOT going on in my head right now.
I’m sorry I’m not more attentive but get over it. *shrug*
I’m not letting every one in on this just yet because I don’t consider the deal done until money is exchanged and papers have been signed but it looks like I got another place in the same building we wanted.
Going over there at 3pm to take a look at the other supposedly better unit and start signing stuff.
I keep waiting for a phone call that isn’t coming. I was supposed to go sign my new lease today and I can’t get a hold of the manager that was supposed to call me at 11am. I’m antsy. It’s late. I’m depressed.
There are just some things you don’t want to hear come out of an exterminators mouth. One of those things is admittance of fear, second is comparing your home (or soon to be ex home) to Silent Hill.
Okay, the reference makes me giddy but other than that… dude.
I know this place blows and all but once we moved EVERYTHING all the little bastards came out to play. My brother said the exterminator was literally shaking. He wants to call county to have the building condemned. Now if he can be a dear and wait til the first, no fucking problem.
In other news, my brother forgot to cover hubbys fish tank. FUCK.
There were hundreds of dollars in fish + equipment that we’ll either lose tonight or in the very near future. Hubby is NOT happy, and I can’t blame him. I’d be bummed if my fish weren’t already destroyed by his other fish. jerks.
Is the apartment in full effect? Are you roach- and pain-in-the-ass-landlord-free?
still waiting to find out. Fingers still crossed. This place is getting sprayed tomorrow. HOWEVER, if everything isn’t pulled apart and done exactly to the letter that they sent us, we will be fined $300.
Still kinda bummed about yesterday as is to be expected. I really appreciate all the DMs, texts and emails guys, means a lot really.
I’m still terribly sick but have to muster strength/energy. Going to go see an apartment in the next hour and a half.
If this works out I’ll have a bigger place with hardwood floors and a yard even for Jack to play. AAAAAND it’s $25 cheaper than what I’m paying here. Not a big deal but 25 bucks is 25 bucks. Even better, the manager seems pretty cool and he speaks English.
One of the biggest problems we have here is that the manager mainly speaks Spanish and often does not communicate with the non-spanish speakers in the building. Hence why EVERYONE else knew about the bug spraying but us and our next door neighbors.
My cousin Kevin killed himself sometime last night. He was 20 years old and really that’s all I know about him these days.
We grew up together. He was like one of my brothers. Though he was 5 years younger than me and 3 years younger than my oldest brother the kid could hang mostly. We watched out for him when his dad brought home skeezy new girlfriends with asshole kids. We played video games for hours on end while his dad went to strip clubs. We broke his stretch armstrong just to see what was inside.
We wrestled. We fought. We cared.
Turns out his daddy is a mean drunk. I know, I lived with him. One drunken night ended him (my uncle) up with a black eye and busted lip and me with the bruise on my leg, his hand prints around my neck and the distinct feeling of loss.
Kevin got a bad attitude problem around that time. Didn’t give a fuck what anyone had to say about anything. His mom, a fucking saint, took the worst of his abuse. His stepdad came to blows with him on several occasions.
He tried getting into gangs. It’s like he wanted to be a fuck up because daddy didn’t love him.
We lost contact with him mostly because his father alienated himself after fucking over the family and making me homeless. We got news every so often, but never enough to get a feel for what was going on.
Fast forward to last night. The condensed version as my mom told it to me against a background of tears:
He called his ex-girlfriend and begged her to take him back. She said no. He left a whole pizza on his bed (his favourite), the tv blaring… he went into the bathroom and hanged himself.
I’m not in shock so much as I am disappointed in the boy. I miss the kid I grew up with. Often nicknamed Batman Forever because of his penchant for locking himself in the bathroom for hours on end. The ticklish little boy you couldn’t get near without him giggling like a girl.
My mom is pretty broken up about it as is his dad. I’m sure that ex of his is going to be traumatized. I had an ex kill himself and blame me for it. Fucked me up for a long while.
Still covered in hives, though the ones on my face are gone. This is at least somewhat of a plus. My left arm still has some, but I’m so damn pale you can’t really tell. I guess I lucked out in that mine aren’t bright fucking red. Probably because I refuse to scratch them. Now THAT is driving me crazy.
I want to play hooky today but damn it if I don’t need the cash. If I can manage to do a ton of notaries today I’ll take tomorrow maybe. I might get Monday off for the holiday, so here’s hoping.
Once I get my insurance back I really do think I may be going on bed rest as has been recommended. The random dizzy and back pain need to go.
You've been offered two million dollars under the condition you use at least half of it for "good". What would you do with it?
The “good” part would probably be donated to charities I don’t feel are scams like the City of Hope and the ASPCA. The rest would probably be put into a house. It’s sad that the houses around here are going for half a million or more now.
I pay rent, not always in time but always in full as soon as I have it.
I don’t typically complain about the small problems in our apartment and will often opt to fix them myself, but I will complain the second we have a BIG problem (like our goddamn air conditioner that hasn’t worked in 2 months in this sweltering fucking heat).
I don’t do things on a 12 hour notice. Wait! NO ONE DOES AND NO BY THE BOOK MANAGEMENT COMPANY WOULD DO THAT TO A TENANT IN GOOD STANDING (or relatively good standing).
They want to spray for roaches. The problem here has gotten so bad the health department has stepped in. At this point, we’re not even allowed to feed our cats. We do, but we’re not supposed to leave ANY food out. It’s stupid really.
Last night we got in around 11pm and found a notice that at 9am TODAY! they’re spraying. Please take all items out of cabinets and closets and cover them in the middle of the living room. Get all pets out of the house. Cover the GIANT fucking fish tank. Yeah… I don’t fucking think so.
I’m only about 16 weeks pregnant, but there’s no way in hell I can stay up all fucking night packing things away and picking up the place.
Hubby tried. He did what he could. He just went to bed about an hour ago and I have to wake him up in half an hour to help get the cats out. It isn’t fair to either of us that he should stay up all night, and though I slept, I had terrible dreams through out the night.
Panic attacks are one thing, panic attacks while asleep!? Yeah, go fuck yourself.
I called management to complain about 45 minutes ago, no word yet. This place still isn’t done but I’m doing what I can. Lifting is off limits, being bent over too long is off limits. I’m pretty fucked.
I have an appointment to be at in an hour. I have the boy to get dressed and out. Hell! I’m still in my underwear.
I don’t care if I do have to move to some shit hole like Palmdale or Lancaster and deal with my psycho ex. Fuck this shit.